The Swiss Army Dildo

Good morning, my kinky miscreants!

The other day, I got to talking to my special someone about, well, random things. We talked of contingency plans in case of a zombie apocalypse, the idiocy of people on forums, cyber fucked our brains out, and the weirdness of people having sex with food. Can you guess which one I’m going to talk about here? And keep in mind I’ve already talked about cyber sex, at length. I’m talking about sex with food. As I lounged in my bath, contemplating the mysteries of the universe, I wondered why people turn to fruits, vegetables, sausages and other such things to satisfy their lustings and desires, needs and aches and wants. It was certainly food for thought.

Using food in sex is certainly nothing new. But, also, to broaden the topic: using sex toys is nothing new. There is evidence that our ancestors, in the Upper Palaeolithic era (roughly 30,000 years ago) were using dildo not just for worship, but for use as a sexual aid, as well as sharpening their flint tools. What? There was an ice age going on, and they couldn’t afford to make things specifically for one purpose. That flint knife? That was for hunting, eating, making things, and as a pillow. Arrows were both an arrow, and a toothpick. Deer horns were carvers and used for getting early morning gunk out of your eyes. If they had to make something, it was most likely used for many purposes, like a Swiss army dildo. Of course, with that specific dildo, it’s always possible that the husband, Ugg, couldn’t find his multi-purpose sharpener/toilet paper and decided to use his wife’s, Ugh, dildo without asking, and so it was a one time (maybe twice if he thought he could get away with it) occurrence.

Does that seem far-fetched? Perhaps. Maybe they didn’t. Want to know who did? The ancient Egyptians. I kid you not. Evidence has been found that they used these sex aids as far back as 2,500 years ago. Of course, they would have polished their wood. I don’t think they’d use them if they looked like the one in that link. Just imagine the splinters! They’d have to use their pyramids to get them out. Wait, wrong era. Oh! Maybe that’s what the pyramids were used for?

But I can see the same hole (ahem) in that, too. Maybe it was just used for worship, and not as a sex toy? In that case, I turn to my old friends, the ancient Greeks. their art is littered with erotic depictions of threesomes, of people having sex with animals, and of people using dildos. Like here:

This (I think it’s a) woman appears to not only be holding a dildo, but has a box full of dildos. And is also stepping into it, for some strange reason. Maybe that’s what really was in Pandora’s box? Instead of all the evils being let loose, maybe it just seemed like that, because Pandora was annoyed that someone had been snooping around in her things?

Greedy Pandora Never Learned To Share

And to top it all off, you know what else the Greeks did? They made a dildo out of bread. Yep. Think on that next time you chew on some bread sticks. Do you think, when they used hardened bread dildos, that they got yeast infections? And that brings me right back to my original thought – that of food in sex. To be honest, I don’t know why people do it, why it has a certain prominence in porn, but there it is. There are even fetishes around it. From Sploshing – the act of rolling around in food (and other substances of high viscosity) and generally being wet and messy with food – to Sitophiles, who are sexually turned on by food, be it from consumption, or rolling around in it, or direct sexual contact. Does that mean that everyone who watches such things are Sitophiles? Perhaps not. I’m not, and I’ve seen a few women stick phallic shaped foods into holes they weren’t originally intended for. I think it’s more a case of enjoying seeing the woman play with herself, rather than the toy – though I suppose some like that they take ordinary things from around the house and bend them to more sexual acts. Maybe all the bumps from the peas of a sweetcorn are more pleasurable than a scientifically designed dildo?

The use of sex toys didn’t stop, when we came out of the Classical age, though it did become less open to discussion. Whereas in ancient Greece you could openly go to the market and buy a dildo from one of the shops (they’d often carry them around, openly, wherever they went) such sex shops became less commonplace – though I should point out that it was still acceptable to talk about sex, to an extent (the Church clamped down on such open displays of sexuality).

11th-15th Century Chinese Dildo. Talk about taking the bull by the horns.

A number of plays (even one, or perhaps more, by Shakespeare himself) talked of sexual aids, and the Victorians even had book clubs dedicated to erotic novels, which they’d read, out loud, in ordinary coffee shops. But it wasn’t until Victorian England the sex toy itself saw a full resurgence. I speak of Female Hysteria. Oddly enough, this dates back to those pesky ancient Greeks again, where Plato, in Timaeus, compares a woman’s uterus to a living creature that wanders throughout a woman’s body, ‘blocking passages, obstructing breathing, and causing disease’. but I digress. Basically, hysteria was a medical illness – one no longer recognised today – with the symptoms including faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and “a tendency to cause trouble”. Or, more basically speaking, a woman who wanted to get off. The prognosis for this affliction was simple: masturbation!  Okay, technically it was to have sex if you’re married, get married if you’re single, and only as a last resort, go to your doctor for a pelvic massage until the woman reached ‘hysterical paroxysm’. An orgasm. The words ‘ta da’ pop to mind, right about now.

In the latter half of the 19th Century, doctors were growing tired of giving these vaginal massages to their female patients – literally. It made their arms and hands ache. To combat this, one doctor (I’m really hoping his name was Dr. Strangelove) made a vibrator. There is some contention as to when that took place – some say in the 1880s in England, others the 1890s in the US – but the result is the same. Steam powered thrusting machines, wire coils and clockwork driven vibrators became the norm. In a time when most households had very few electrical appliances like the vacuum cleaner or electric iron (indeed the vibrator was on the market roughly a decade before these) the vibrator was enjoyed widespread popularity.

Until one idiot had to screw things up and point out that it was actually a sexual thing, rather than a medical thing. In those days, people either truly believed hysteria and the hysteria relieving device to be a purely medical thing, or they merely pretended as such, and not, in fact, a pleasure-giving device. It continued to be thought of in this way until it hit its peak in the 1920s, where it came to a head (tehe), when it appeared in a porn film, entitled Widow’s Delight, where a woman comes home with her date, chastely pushes him away, and then rushes into her bedroom, rips off her clothes, and pulls out her vibrator. At this point doctors and husbands at large seemed to realise that it really was something of a pleasure device, and thus unacceptable.

There, it went into decline, until in the 1960-70s, where people started referring to clitoral orgasms, ‘Our Bodies, Ourselves’ trailblazers like Betty Dodson and Joani Blank began to teach women how to give themselves real sexual satisfaction, and coupled with an explosion in the manufacturing industry, when – according to wikipedia – Ted Marche pioneered the manufacturing and distributing of rubber dildos and other sex toys. And the rest, they say, is history.

Of course, this doesn’t explain the fact that I once saw a woman use the two heels from her pair of stilettos, despite having a whole host of sex toys to choose from. Just be thankful it wasn’t 17th Century Venice, where women’s high-heeled shoes could be over 12 inches tall.

That’s it for this week. I hope you had fun reading this.

This is JV – signing off.

If you have any thoughts on this post, feel free to post a comment, or join the JE to have your say! If you have a topic you think is worth covering, then you can leave a comment here, or on the JE, too. Basically what I’m trying to say is: join the JE!

Weird Sex Stories

Good morning, my kinky darlings!

Today I thought I’d do something whimsical, the old favourite of down-right weird sex stories. This was borne of one story being told in the JK, of a couple playing around – and deciding to introduce food into their sex play. Now, I’ve no problem with food in sex play. I’ve seen a few cucumbers and zucchinis used as dildos quite frequently. Too, the ancient Greeks used to make their dildos out of bread. I’m presuming they baked it, first, to give it that hard on feel. Might be a bit soggy, otherwise. Usually, when people think of using food, they don’t use bread. They use whipped cream, or ice-cubes (shut up. That’s a food if you don’t know how to cook …) or said long green things. This couple decided to use a hot dog as a sex toy. Yep. A hot dog. And no, the bread was not hardened before they did so. The story goes that the boyfriend shoved the hot dog up the woman’s vagina – but then a piece broke off! Instead of getting some tongs – or at least a fire poker, to pierce the food – to dig it out of her kitty. Nope. Instead, they figure that it’ll work its way out eventually, and then proceed to make sweet passionate lurve with his man-sausage. I’m not kidding.  Talk about an abundance of weiner.

So after shoving the hot dog up further – this I can only assume what happened, since I don’t know the man’s penis size, but if it was average then it would have shoved it up, nice and tight – they continue with their day-to-day lives, presumably shoving forks into toasters and sending money to Nigerian Generals until, a few days later, the woman notices an odd smell coming from her nether regions. Now, considering that food starts to degrade quite rapidly in warm, moist atmospheres, and so there would have been a faint smell even a day afterwards, I surmise that this woman didn’t have a great fondness for hygiene in the first place, since it took her that long to realise something was up. Besides, you know, having a freaking hot dog up her vagina!

But it gets worse. When they go to inspect her nether regions, they discover maggots. It seems that they had left the hot dog beside the bed, over night, and a fly had laid eggs on it, before they attempted the act. Maybe they should have sued the hot dog vendor for making an indecent product.

And speaking of suing people for making indecent products. This article here states a woman was rushed to hospital after using a vibrator made her bleed out and lose copious amounts of blood. This is quite alarming, isn’t it? Millions of people use vibrators, dildos and sexual aids every day. It could happen to anyone. Even you. But I can’t help but think there’s something suspect about this case, and certainly one that makes me go ‘that shit is weird’. Okay, not say exactly that.  I’d say something more like ‘This is quite extraordinary and remarkable in the extreme.’ Of course, toys can, and often are, use incorrectly, resulting in injury; or maybe she has a sensitive cervix, which would mean she can’t have rough sex; or any number of things, and so I’m not trivialising the injury, but rather the actions after the fact.

Suing a sex toy, claiming ‘the company’s product caused her personal injury and emotional distress’ is where I start to go ‘huh?’ because unless the toy had a switch-blade in it, I highly doubt it was the toy’s fault. Or perhaps they forgot to take the toy out of the box. This type of claim means the company would have to have known that the toy was at fault before putting it on the shelves. Somehow I highly doubt that it would have been faulty enough to cause this much damage. And wonder, too, how they leaped from thinking ‘oh, no! You’re going to die!’ to ‘oh, this is obviously someone else’s fault that is not involved in our sex life …’

Quite. Moving on. I’d like to draw your attention to the Enumclaw horse sex case. There was once a man named Pinyang, who liked having sex with animal with a big wang. He called himself Mr Hands, and posted videos of it to his fans. The horse was called Big Dick, and gave him more than a little prick. But one day he perforated his colon, and simply couldn’t go on.

Unfortunately, Mr Hands was worried about questions being asked about his slightly unusual injury, that he delayed going to a hospital for several hours, despite his friend’s pleas. Apparently he thought having a big horse cock shoved up your arse is an injury you can simply shake off. But neigh. Eventually he was dropped off anonymously, and later died in the emergency room. No horses were harmed in the making of this video.

That’s it for this week! But before I go, I’d like to divert your attention to this site, where you can find some more humorous embarrassing sex stories. Also, feel free to drop by the JE and let us know your embarrassing sex stories, or even leave a comment here!

Take care, and please be careful of what you shove into your various orifices. Wow. Never thought I’d say that ever again.

This is JV – signing off.