Do What With A Putty Knife?

In case you’re new to the world of self pleasure, or if you’ve suffered a sex play related injury and have lost your memory and would want to relearn how to masturbate (before learning what your name is, got to get your priorities straight, after all) then here is the Male Masturbatory Instruction Manual as was told to me the other day:

1: Become erect. No, I’m not talking about simply standing up, I mean you make your boy-ey part get all hard. Usually this is done by fondling or looking at pictures of naked women on the internet. I’m a subscriber to the latter, obviously.

2: Hold shaft in one hand, thumb and fingers touching. Make sure the thumb and finger are of the same hand. I tried to masturbate once by having the thumb of the non-erection-wielding hand caress its fingers. It didn’t work. But it took me ages to figure out that it wouldn’t work. Yes, I’m that slow.

3: Stroke cock up and down. It’s much easier than side to side. Safer, too.

4: Think about Miss Piggy in a tutu, and Elmer Fudd. Self explanatory.

5: Enjoy. This is mandatory. Ejaculating, however, is not. For health and safety reasons I’m required by law to advise you to wear safety goggles (trust me, I lost an eye to a masturbatory incident, listen and learn from Uncy Perve) as well as Wellington boots. Because they’re in fashion this season.

Alternatively, and tying in to last week’s blog, you could always stick a toy up your bum. Or, as I did, get a skipping rope and use the handle as a toy. Just whatever you do, don’t make my mistake in using a wooden handle. Three hours in A&E getting the splinters out…

Again alternatively, you could simply read a story, although you’ll still have to perform the ritualistic up and down motions. For my money, you can’t go much wrong than Just Kinky’s November Story of the Month, Tied. Now, it’s a very good story, to be sure, but I must admit that I didn’t read it properly the first time through…

It is the turn of the putty knife now; it sits on the table in the corner of the room, where you had told me to place it after I had selected it from the variety of objects that were scattered around in the garage. The handle is wide and the finger grips create delightful ridges all along the rubbery shaft which slowly curves up at the end so as to make it fit into the grip of a strong working hand perfectly. You reach for the tool and as you walk back towards me you study the handle closely, running your thumb up and down over the ridges. As you approach the bed my body does a little shiver…….is it anticipation or the cold?

Read it? It’s good, right? But did you imagine that the knife was made out of putty? I had no idea that there was a specific tool used to carve putty. So I took it literally. A real knife made out of putty! Sure, it sounded odd at the time, but to be honest I’ve read some very strange stories, with many different implements being used, a lot more stranger than a putty knife! Like an Elephant’s trunk. It wasn’t pretty.  Then there was this other one about this woman wanting a massive penis, so got a Walrus penis and took it to a Taxidermist to get it stuffed. In the end, she got stuffed, just not with a Walrus penis! Okay, I’ll move on.

The knife 0′ putty (who coincidently is also an Irish cousin of mine) is fine, if you merely imagine it, but I sought to emulate this story as much as possible. So much as to go to a kiln and have a knife made out of putty, simply to have it shoved up my tush.

Bad idea.

Never again!

Pieces of it kept on breaking off in my back passage as I tried to wriggle it around, at one point it actually started molding to the shape of my tush! On the one hand, it made a very effective plug, in that it allowed for no leaks. I was thinking of getting more made for my mouth and nose and make me completely watertight, but that wasn’t to be. Instead I had to get out my water hose, shove that up my butt like some sort of  homemade cholognic irrigation device. Until I got the hose stuck, too. It wasn’t a pretty sight! Running around the garden with a hose disappearing up into my nethers, screaming with equal parts of pain, pleasure and surprise, your normal ooh, ah, and ow day, just wishing I had decided to use the handle instead! So let’s just see how it’s done by the professionals, shall we?

Your fingers spread my pussy lips and just like before, without any teasing, any hesitation, you push the putty knife handle, with one firm thrust, deep into me. Even though my pussy is wet and eager, the dildo in my arse has made me tight, and as the ridges graze over the tender flesh at my opening I cry out at your rough treatment, but this only seems to spur you on.

An excellent showcase for how sex play should be done, I bow to the superior skills, which is why, when being tied up, I highly recommend that you don’t do it on your own! Because you can guarantee it that just as you finish tying up the last loop around your hand with your teeth, a family member (in my case my sister) will barge in and see you in all your glory!

Now, I leave you with these last thoughts, written in review of Molly’s Tied, for it writes quite succinctly, all that is good about this story, because for all my mocking (And I started writing this with the intention of mocking it, but that simply isn’t possible) about the putty knife, it is rightly Story of the Month. And so I leave you with this thought:

This is as always by this author, a well written autobiographical account of an experience with her Master that Molly has chosen to share with us.

The retelling of this experience in the readers life, is told simply with truth and feeling, there is no over use of elaborate language or contrived sensation. This allows the reader to draw from themselves as they are reading; how it is to be tied to a bed, to be exposed and used in this fashion.

Goodnight, my kinky bedfellows. I’m going to attempt to emulate it again! Don’t worry, I’ll have my phone close to hand and the fire brigade’s number already punched in. Just in case.