Beginner’s Guide To Cyber Sex

Hello my kinky darlings!

I joined the kinky online community just over a year ago. While, of course, that may not seem like a long time in the scheme of things, but since most interactive websites have a shelf life of roughly five years, this is more than enough time to observe, and to delve into, the online erotica culture – and seeing I’m a fan of observing people, this is doubly so. One thing I have observed is that its membership is filled with rather amorous people.  Yes, indeed. I know such a fact might shock you, enough for you to gasp, ‘but, JV, how is that possible? Erotica writers being saucy? How incredulous!’, but it’s true. There are many a couple to be seen, and in some cases, have met, on the JK. So, I wondered, did that happen through mere happen-stance? Was it love at first sight of their LOLs? Of course, it could be many things, but I am of the persuasion that one thing, more than most, is responsible for this all too alarming coupling up. And that is –

Cyber sex. Now, I’m not writing this so that you can find love. No. I’m merely pointing out my observation as a way of backing into the subject. The thing is, wherever you have a group of horny adults, and a private message feature – or better yet, a chat box – then this is bound to happen. Much like teenagers having sex, unless they’re incredibly shy, or a necrophiliac, they, the erotica writers, will want to sleep with their peers. Of course, I’m not condemning such a thing. Of course not. I indulge in such an activity, too, but it’s much more fun to write as if I were a wildlife documentary commentator. Now, on to business.

Ooh, that makes me sound like a pimp! Do I get the big pink furry jacket and oversized hat? I have those anyway, so it doesn’t particularly matter. But it’s nice to have an excuse to wear them! Okay, first up, is finding a partner. I’m afraid there’s no website that caters specifically for this crowd. You couldn’t simply enter a chat and ask if anyone would like to have cyber sex and expect them to pounce on you. Asking one for their ASL (Age, Sex and Location) is more than likely going to get you looks of disdain and severely rolled eyes. Sadly, you need to put the effort into these things. You need to get to know the members of the opposite sex, and actually get them to like you (acting like a witless buffoon, in my experience, works). Yes, I know it’s difficult, but if you want some cyber poonani or some cyber cock (measured at 3-4 inches longer than actual size) or both, then you have to woo them.

Step 1

First, upon meandering into the chat box, you need to find your prey (yes, I’m going back to wildlife commentator). Once identifying a likely, amorous candidate, you need to make sure that they are in fact a member of the opposite sex. Many a time has this happened to me. Oh, not me chatting up a man, but men chatting me up. Many a time have I received a personal message which invariably started with the words ‘hey baby’. It doesn’t take long to look up their profile on the main site, and it will most likely have their sex and orientation (though sometimes people fudge on these details, granted), and it avoids needless embarrassment. For example: I personally have grown weary of having to inform said amorous men that I am, in fact, a man. So I have taken to not telling said men that little fact. Because it’s a lot of fun to watch them become embarrassed and try to extricate themselves from the situation upon realising it. Go on. Give it a try. I’m told I make a very convincing woman. Hey, can’t say I haven’t warned you.

Step 2

Presuming you have taken a member of the opposite sex as a willing cyber mate, we now get down to the nitty-gritty, the rumpy pumpy. What is important is that you take necessary precautions. It’s not fun to catch a virus. Cyber STIs are on the increase, one made up report informs. Remember to always use protection. Like McAfee security, or Norton Internet Security. Remember, while the Trojan in some countries is a form of contraceptive, on the internet it’s a nasty virus that can cause problems like erectile dysfunction, and also with virility. Or at least mess with your hard-drive.

Step 3

After donning your sheath of love, you now engage in the act itself. Well, sort of. Of course, you could simply mount your partner like a lion(ness), and then hump the poor duckling brainless, as if you were a rabbit. And yes, I’m trying to include as many animals as possible. Sorry. I can be an ass sometimes, as I do go on quite a bit. Much like a mountain leopard. Just make sure you don’t mount a leopard. They have sharp claws and even sharper fangs: terrible for hand-jobs and blow-jobs. Great if you have a werewolf or vampire fantasy. So, you could just hump away, or you could take your time, and explore each other’s body through foreplay. Where you touch up each other’s cyber body*, not go ‘king’s pawn to E3’, and then fondle the top-nob.

Speaking of cyber bodies, the cyberverse allows for people to fudge on personal details a little bit. While this can lead to often humorous descriptions (a man of average height with a 12 inch penis?! Are you kidding me?) it can be troublesome when you believe a physical description given specifically for intercourse to be true.

Now the act itself. It is really quite simple, as if you’ve had sex before (and that seems likely, given that you’re most likely an erotica writer or reader) you can merely describe previous acts in detail. Though be sure to take your time in doing so – cyber sex can last for mere minutes or hours at a time – and it pays to write piece by piece. Just imagine you’re writing a tweet. Give yourself a set limit of characters or words to use and describe an act, and you’ll be fine. Though, of course, be sure to include more than just descriptions of physical acts, be sure to include your thoughts and feelings and other crap like that as well.

Sex, as I’m sure you know, is a very repetitive task. If it wasn’t for the big bang at the end, I don’t know if we’d have survived as a species. We’d have all gotten bored and buggered off half way through to make a cup of tea. I’m afraid there’s no getting around that. You’ll still be thrusting, or bouncing, or jiggling. All that you can do to hide this fact is to do things with your cyber hands, and whisper cyber sex talk, and express emotions in alternating sex ‘tweets’. Or ‘sweets’, as I like to call them.

Well, that’s it for this week. I hope you enjoy your stay on this blog, and over on the JK, or wherever you inhabit on cyberspace, and hope, too, that you enjoy any cyber sexing you do! And who knows, you just might make like a penguin…